"Do you ever sleep?"
People ask me that a lot. Most recently it was because I was showing someone photos of my latest home remodeling project - an 8-foot movie screen framed with leftover parts of a pipe organ. It was on the heels of a particularly busy week - I had finished a virtual open house for Lord of Life Christian Preschool, rebuilt their website, created a 5-minute animated cartoon in Spanish for Vida Eterna (the Latinx community that worships in our space) celebration of Three Kings Day, and collaborated in an impromptu Service of Healing because of the recent national unrest.
But the truth is, I sleep a lot - at least as much as everyone else. I get jealous of the people who can live off of less than eight hours a day. My day is spent buzzing with creative ideas, to-do lists, and general anxieties about everything going on in the world. That last bit, of course, is what I feel like I have the least amount of control over, but it is what tends to weigh me down the most. There was a time when it might have kept me up at night, but now I just go to bed exhausted by it all.
There are days when I struggle to figure out what my part is in fixing all the things going wrong in the news. At 22, Amanda Gorman just yesterday recited a poem that nearly overshadowed the rest of a very news-worthy inauguration day. At 18, Greta Thunberg is taking on climate change on the world stage. At 41, I have neither the influence nor the skill set to do anything like that.
I could run myself ragged trying to come up with the next big idea to save the world, gain internet fame, get millions of followers and really make a difference! But that whole sleep thing … I really do like to sleep. Is that selfish? Trying to balance my need for self-care and my desire to make a difference makes me feel cross-eyed. I want to look outward and follow Christ’s call to discipleship, but I realize I have to look inward and see to my own survival, as well.
After some reflection, and some therapy, and some pretty good sermons, I think I’ve come to accept that it is ok to be cross-eyed. Jesus doesn’t mean for us all to be superheroes. He calls us all to be part of a whole body. And even though the part of the body I represent might not be the one making the biggest impact on the world, I’d like to think providing music for worship, or an animation for a bilingual celebration, or guiding someone to our preschool might be the spark that brings someone else into the body, too.
Some days my part of the body manages to get a lot done, and some days, the best I can do is keep my head up and set an example of being a good human. I imagine that, at the end of the day, is what most of us are called to be. What part of the body are you?