I have been married for just over a year, which means that many conversations between my husband and I reach a point of raised, frustrated voices and end with “That’s what you meant?!” We’re still learning how to communicate about some things.
I live three hours from my closest friends, so every Tuesday night, three of us have a standing appointment for a FaceTime call together. Another one I talk to several times a week by us sending each other videos back and forth, ranging from 30 seconds to 20 minutes each.
Sometimes my dog gets upset with me when I have to get some work done and can’t play with her, even though she’s in the mood to play (like right now). I have to make it up to her later with an extra long walk.
The underlying theme in all of those snippets of my life is this: Relationships take work. Even a relationship with God takes work.
Mine has been a work in progress for close to 24 years, which is why I’m willing to admit that sometimes it feels like really hard work for me. I struggle with God, not too differently from how Jacob and David famously did (Genesis 32 and 1 Chronicles 13:11 respectively). Of course, their struggles with God weren’t about the same things that mine are, but I would be willing to bet that they often had the same basis as mine: God didn’t do what we thought He would or should, or God wasn’t who we thought He should be.
I’ve been angry with God quite a bit over the last year. Things haven’t gone the way I thought they would go. Decisions have been harder to make because answers from God have been unclear. Friendships have been more difficult to establish than I thought they would be. A spiritual mentor once shared with me that doubt in God can look like disappointment that He didn’t meet your expectations.
The good news is that faith and doubt can co-exist. Wrestling with God, for me, is often a sign that I am actively growing in faith and working on the relationship I have with Him. Doubt does not diminish faith.
Unfortunately, I don’t have the magic answer key for having the perfect relationship with God and trusting everything He does. All I can offer is this: You are not alone. You are not alone in your doubting, in your wishing, in your waiting, in your hurting, or in your rejoicing. God does not leave us or forsake us, even when we doubt (Deuteronomy 31:6-8, Hebrews 13:5).
In what ways are you wrestling with God or have you wrestled with God? How is God meeting you in your doubt? What relationships in your life need a little extra work right now? Who can you walk alongside in faith?
As you wait and watch and wrestle, know that I join you in this journey of faith.
Struggling with you,
Maddie Pease