Interning as a hospital chaplain caused me to see grief unfold in a variety of ways. Sometimes, people’s facial expressions and tone of voice were lifeless as I tried to comfort what felt like a wall. Others refused to let themselves grieve as they used their faith as a reason to not emote. Some couldn't get past anger to let themselves cry. And some expressed their emotions so easily that pastoring them was as simple as giving them my ears and presence.
From individual experience and witnessing the experiences of others I have noticed that a common theme of grief and suffering is guilt. And in the worst-case scenario, guilt kept people from processing their suffering. Guilt because depression is debilitating and we can’t get out of bed when we should be productive. Guilt because we’ve been processing our grief for a while now and both internal and external voices are saying, “you just need to get over it.” Someone in our life has died and a recurring thought is “I should be happy that they’re in a better place,” as a means to discredit our own mourning. We, as human beings, find it difficult to affirm grief and suffering. Sadly, guilt is their companion. We expect ourselves to push through the obstacles of life, and oftentimes, we see stoicism as strength, and emotions as weak.
But what if I said the Divine is grieving with us? Does that change our attitudes?
In the eighth chapter of Romans, Paul writes of living in a world in which creation is subjected to futility and human beings suffer. But Paul does not stop there. Rather, he answers where God is in our suffering, “and not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly while we wait for adoption, the redemption of our bodies ... Likewise, the Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but that very Spirit intercedes with sighs too deep for words.” (Romans 8:23, 26) With sighs too deep for words? The Holy Spirit is sighing with me when my grief is so strong that I do not have the words for prayer to express my inward groans? Paul says yes.
Reading those words made me rethink the story of Lazarus. Usually, when we think of Jesus crying with Mary and Martha over the death of Lazarus, we explain Jesus’ emotions as Christ’s humanity. But from Paul’s words, we learn that Christ's grief is not simply the reality of taking on human flesh. Rather, Christ’s tears are a human expression of a divine reality. As the Holy Spirit joins in on our sighs, God is present in our grief as God grieves on behalf of ourselves and all of creation.
What does this mean? Even when we cry alone we are not alone. Mourning is holy and not worthy of shame or guilt. When we grieve for a broken reality God grieves with us. Sighs too deep for words are holy.
Imagine how we would look upon each other in the darkest times if we recognized sadness as a divine expression. “You need to get over it,” “pull yourself together,” “it’s selfless to grieve for x person’s passing” would be replaced with our ability to love each other more deeply, and love ourselves more fully in our own suffering. We’d look upon ourselves and each other with much kinder eyes and see God.
Blessed are those who mourn (Matthew 5:4),
Pastor Alec Brock (he/him)
Seminary Intern