There are a lot of facets to who I am, but most of my identity has always revolved around being a musician. There are pictures of me in nothing but a little button up shirt and a diaper sitting at an organ console, and most of the memories I have from my childhood are of playing an instrument or singing in church. At age 41, there are days I'm still not sure what I want to be when I grow up, but the actual thought of being anything but a musician is almost impossible to imagine. Given how integral music is to me, having 6 months in which the nature of my work has changed so dramatically due to our current health crisis has really made me struggle with who I am and what I'm doing.
I know we've all felt the burden of having to adjust our lives around an invisible virus that we haven't learned how to control. But as someone with a traumatic past and issues with depression and anxiety, I had no idea how much being pulled away from my regular work would cause me to spiral into a dark place. Extra hours of sitting on the couch, looking for distraction, only led to the inability to get off the couch at all. After the first three months, the thought of getting more projects finished at home was forced to confront the reality of my loss of motivation, lack of energy, and general irritability. I've only started pulling out of it in the weeks since we've been able to start working in the office and having occasional in-person worship, which is when I really feel like I get to be who I am.
And now it is Pumpkin Spice season. I know some people feel a strong distaste for it, but for me it is a reminder that autumn is on its way, holidays are around the corner, and I'll get to partake in some great meals, social gatherings, and all the music opportunities that usually come with the academic year and eventually Christmas. This year it comes with more questions than answers. Will I be able to gather with the same people? Will my regular music groups get to perform? What will worship look like by the end of the year if we're still in the throes of a pandemic?
There is finally some comfort, though. Last weekend we celebrated Eucharist for the first time since March. While we still weren't able to gather near each other around the table, hearing the Words of Institution again made me feel God's presence in a way I haven't felt in months. "Take and eat; this is my body, given for you." And then, whether we were at church or at home, we were all able to eat and drink the elements that had been blessed together. This is the center of our worship because it is a reminder that we are part of the same community and that we have already been given God's grace. It isn't just for a specific season, but for all time. And it is a reminder of not only who we are, but whose we are as Christians.
Yours in Communion,
John Johns